I stare up at the ceiling of my doctor's office dressed in a flimsy cotton gown, and I notice they have pinned up a picture of a tropical island. Perhaps it was a way to help their patients imagine they are somewhere far away from the troubles they face here. I wonder just how many women have sat on this very table, looking up to God for answers and finding nothing but this old poster ripped in one corner. A thought crosses my mind. Is this one of many doctor's visits to come where I will be forced to look at this dreaded picture? Will there be a time when my vision eventually fades to the point where I can only see it by memory?
The nurse is making small talk. I tell her about my son,
"He'll be three in September"
"I'll bet he's beautiful, just like his mama."
"Oh thank you, and yes he is."
"You're so young."
"I guess I started early," I laugh.
"Well at least you'll be the cool mom on all the field trips".
You're so young...these words weigh heavy on my mind. Her intentions were good, but this statement followed me home from this office visit plaguing my dreams and thoughts. I'm too young. I haven't been here long enough to appreciate every second I've been given. When I was a little girl I was always so anxious to go ahead of everyone else, I wanted to be first in everything. I took my training wheels off a week before any of the other kids in my neighborhood. There was never a time when someone HAD to dare me because I had already gone off and done the unthinkable. I was always ahead of my time. Now all I want to do is go back. To savor every moment I let pass by without recognition. The simplicity of an afternoon eating oranges, playing Frisbee with my mother sounds like heaven right now. There are surgical referrals, and biopsies to be scheduled. Tell me I'm taking this too seriously. Tell me I have to think positive. Tell me it's nothing, but you're not me. Your life isn't in question right now, mine is. If I want to reflect back on my childhood and the things I would do differently, let me. I hope you're right, please prove me wrong. I want everything to work out but I don't want to ignore this subject. When all is said and done, I will have learned a great deal. No matter what the test results say. my thoughts have been altered, I no longer resent early mornings. I welcome them eagerly. I'm thankful for the time I have been given and I pray I'm lucky enough to get more. If this is just a scare, I'm thankful, because now I know how quickly it can all slip away.
-Fallen Angel-
For we are born but yesterday and know so little, and our days on earth are as transient as a shadow.
Job:8:9 NLT
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