I have a dream dictionary, (written by Rose Inserra) which I've kept by my bedside for years.
For the first time, I put it in my backpack and headed out into the world. The messages I got from it (the universe or whatever energy I put into it) were amazing, Everything pointed to my journey of discovery. For my desire to learn, create, inspire, and connect.
Ironically enough, doing this created a disconnect from me and my current reality. Things I'd once found entertaining now seemed like bothersome distractions from a true conquest.
The conversations I'd been having seemed so light. I needed something heavier to keep me grounded, otherwise it felt like I might just float away.
My belief systems underwent extreme makeovers. My concept of reality and time? Obliterated.
Essentially I'm transforming my whole life and that can be terrifying for anyone. The moment I started honoring my true self I began feeling like I'd pulled at an inseam holding my world together. The second I questioned my life purpose, I could hear my heart ripping from the inside out.
So where do I go from here?
Look for repetition Kayla.
Just got a Jeep Compass from our Bff.
I met a man on my bus one day, who gifted me a healing compass.
My mom drops by with coffee wearing compass earrings.
Okay universe I get it.
Time to check the compass, does it serve a purpose to remain in a frozen state?
Stagnant waters generate nothing but a reflection of the environment surrounding it.
Rivers create canyons and supply life to creatures everywhere.
Yesterday I was a great lake and today I'm a wild river.
I'm a wild river and honestly, it kinda blows.
Why couldn't my soul be happy surrounded by beauty, stationary?
Raising a family seems easier without the chaos of a meandering river, always shifting, overstepping boundaries and offending the bedrock. Carving a new pathway through the life it sustains. A painful transition, roots are washed away, a community once gathered now disperse for fear of being washed away with it.
Like my soul.
Ebbing and flowing through a path I once had...shifting through the rubble.
So what's next?
Yesterday my friend told a fib about bees swarming a playground to keep her sick child away from the play equipment.
Two days ago I swatted a bee off the shirt of a young boy I'd never met.
Today? I get in my car to take the kids to football practice, a bee is trapped in the front seat. I capture it in the paper bag under my seat and fling it out.
I turn down Vicks road and reach down to check the time on my phone, only to find a completely different bee on the seat next to me.
The universe will guide me.
I just hope my heart can keep up.
