Two years, three months, four days.
Since I felt inspired enough to write something meaningful outside of Facebook.
Since I wanted to create.
Bring light to a part of my heart and soul for others to see.
It’s been about that long since I faced the consequences of my actions too.
Two years ago my marriage was ending. Much like it is now. The shift.
Two years ago the death of a love I knew myself through forced me to gaze into a wound I never understood, one I didn’t want to revisit.
It forced me to understand myself.
It forced me to be accountable.
To quit drinking. Sober up.
You might have noticed I’ve been gaining weight. I do that when I’m drinking more than I am sorting through positive life choices. It’s called numbing. Avoiding. Hurting. So many names for one large feeling of failure.
If I’m being honest that’s how I feel most days.
I failed my children, my mother, my father, and myself. I failed society, and my passengers. I try but it doesn’t matter.
That’s negative self talk, that’s depression.
I’m realizing I need to love myself through this. I need to accept myself and all my perceived imperfections. I’m fine.
I’m actually fine.👌
What’s not fine is this desire to lose myself every night, to run away from everything and everyone who knows me.
Everyone who loves me.
What’s not fine is staging a future without me in it, in hopes that everyone will be fine without me.Because most of the time, if I’m not bringing joy to my city or people who aren’t especially close to me, I feel like I’d be better off...not here.
That 👌scares the fuck out of me.
I want to be here. 🙌💕
I want to be loved and known and accepted and understood.
Sometimes it feels impossible, when all I’ve experienced is people telling me that I’m different, or quirky, that I stand out. They make it sound funny or refreshing.
All I’ve ever wanted was to belong somewhere. That I fit in.
Lately I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. It’s maddening. It’s infuriating, it’s confusing as hell. It hurts.
So I’ve been fading out.
This is my first post in 2 years, 3 months, and 4 days.
234.
I looked that up
“Angel Number 234 is a message to put some extra focus and effort towards your creative endeavours to ensure that you manifest long-term rewardson all levels. If you have been considering a new direction or beginning a new project or venture, now would be a most auspicious time to make that choice and take action. Trust that the work you do today will bring benefits to your life in the future.
Angel Number 234 is a message from your angels to have faith and trust in them and the Ascended Mastersin their ability to assist you in miraculous ways. Rely upon the assistance and guidance from the angels and be open to receiving their support, help, healing and love. Trust that they are guiding you along your Divine life path.
Angel Number 234 is also often seen as ‘steps’ along your spiritual and life path.”
Kind of fitting yeah?
It’s a stretch yes, but I don’t believe in accidents or coincidence. Everyone comes to you when they should, everything happens as it should, when it should.
Makes the ride more meaningful.
