Alone in my thoughts...

I drive in circles all day, with mindless greetings and careful observation of the road in front of me, there is one thing to consider. How will hours of contemplation change my life?

This is the kind of job that forces one to think, the subject matter is completely up to you.

I could space out, shove all those uncomfortable questions deep down into the depths of my soul, and think about dinner, but I've got bigger fish to fry. 

I'm interested in the things that make people tick, our triggers, and how we get from A to B. I wanna know how one transcends to C.

To understand others I need to understand myself, to do that I must look back.

The day after leap year, March 1st 2012. 

The air is sharp on my skin as I rush to the car juggling books and snacks, fresh snow gathers in-between our walkway and front yard. Surprised to see ice stuck to the windshield, I sigh and scrape off the bare minimum. Four minutes to get kiddo to school down the street. Good, we made it in time, kiss goodbye and off he goes. Time to focus, I'd been up all night studying physics and the final was in two hours. God dammit I have to pee, fairly common being 5 months pregnant but that doesn't change my frustration. Rushing back to our apartment, I start shuffling through my note cards. One last final survey of the land to ensure my prego brain hasn't forgotten anything... 

Note cards? Check. Pencils? Check. Calculator? Check.

Shit. I forgot my phone.

It's in between our bed sheets and I should have left the house 12 minutes ago.

Fuck it.

Scrolling through Facebook newsfeed. Nikki Sojden lost a friend this morning who had a small child. How awful. 

COMMENT:

"I'm so sorry for your loss Nikki, please know I'm sending you all my love during this difficult time. Thanks for reminding me tomorrow's never promised and to cherish the ones we love today."

I should call Addie on my way and see if we're still on for Saturday.

NEW MESSAGE FROM NIKKI SOJDEN: 

"Do you know what happened?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Call me right now...XXX-XXX-XXXX"

Wait who was she talking about? 

The only mutual friend of ours is Addie...

I call Addie knowing she's at work. No answer. Fine. I text her.

"HEY CALL ME ASAP PLEASE".

Nothing.

My heart is racing I call Andrew (her husband) pacing in my hallway. 

Nothing. 

Once more, voicemail. 

My breath quickens.

"Dude call me back right away I'm freaking out right now and I need you to tell me that Addie's okay."

Last resort. 

I text my husband (Andrew's best friend) knowing Andrew will answer for him.

"BABE HAVE ANDREW CALL ME I NEED TO KNOW ADDIE'S OKAY."

My phone rings, it's Brent.

"Hey sorry I'm just having a crazy paranoid moment right now, I need you to call Andrew and have him tell us Addie's okay."

Silence.

"Did you hear me? I need you to have Andrew call Addie and let me know she's okay."

He's crying. "I'm sorry babe."

I fall to my knees.

"No! Addie's okay, just have her text me!"

Still crying. He takes a deep breath and follows with more apologies. 

"We wanted to wait until after your final to tell you. Addie's gone. She died last night."

"What do you mean she's GONE? She's at the hospital? She's not dead. She can't be dead."

A knot solidified in the back of my throat and I can no longer speak. My stomach is on fire and I can barely breath.

No...

I sit there on the floor of my apartment sobbing on the phone with my husband. 

"How? What happened?"

"I don't know babe, Andrew found her this morning and he couldn't revive her."

Gavin.

"Where's Gavin? Where's Andrew?"

"I don't know babe, last time I talked to him he was at home with his mom."

"I've gotta go."

In seconds I was hurling myself towards their house, as if this would all be over the second she opened the door.

Pulling up I see Kathy's car. I run up the steps nearly slipping. 

Knock knock. 

This has to be a sick joke, she's going to open that door.

It was Andrew. 

His face was red and his eyes were empty. We locked eyes and I grabbed him and pulled him close. We stood there crying for what seemed a lifetime.

When I finally let him go I looked over and saw Kathy. Another hug. More tears. I look around searching. No Gavin. He's with Ben and Katie.

This is a nightmare. 

Wake up. Please wake up.

The nightmare continued.

I can't stop crying, I can't stop wondering what happened.

I can't focus on anything and people keep telling me to calm down, "Stress is harmful for the baby."

My baby. Addison's God daughter. 

Braelyn. 

Addie called her sweet baby Rae everyday before patting my belly and swooning at the idea of baby girl. 

"Ours to spoil." She'd say.

The sting I felt when I realized she would never lay eyes on this child... 

I retreat to the shower, at least I can cry there and nobody will notice. Family is flying out. Funeral planning ensues.

Saturday arrives before I know it and I find myself alone in my thoughts staring at the sky.

I'm coming out

This will not make me popular. This will not go well. This is however the conclusion I've arrived to this morning while dropping my child off to Sunday school.

I'm an agnostic theist...or at least that's how I'd label myself if I had to have one.

The things you think of while driving a bus really can be life altering. I witness some of humanity in a way most people wont ever have the chance. I know who the forgotten people of society are. The undesirables. They do offer something I've yet to find anywhere else. They're real. They don't clean up on Sunday mornings or carry on with this picturesque way of living that has been advertised to us through mass media. Their emotions are strong and obvious, granted some of them suffer from mental illness I really can't say the people I've gone to church with in my life are exempt from that same struggle...perhaps they are just better at masking it. The stigma of coming out as an agnostic theist is fabulous, you've got the atheists that argue, "How can you believe in any God?" followed by the Christians who are angry you denied theirs. Awesome right? The black sheep doesn't have to answer to anyone. It's a grey spot but I've spent most of my life in that area of the spectrum, I just happened to arrive to this decision a little later than most. I will be eating my past words however with my family, they won't be happy with this garble, they wont support my decision to stay undefined, well there's a title but it leaves a lot of wiggle room and I'd prefer it that way. My husband's family live their lives for the lord, and his son Jesus Christ. I won't mock them nor would I disrespect their views because everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm just afraid that this will break their hearts. My little niece Grace has the lord engrained in her heart, she draws little pictures of crosses and gives them to me as gifts, her bedroom wall says she is a child of God. I couldn't be the one to tell her I don't believe in her God, I wouldn't want to wreck everything she believes in. I was raised Christian, but as time went on I realized it seemed inherently WRONG that I(being Native American) was raised to follow a religion that killed so many of my people. My sister's mother was taken from her family and forced into a Christian boarding school just 50 years ago. They tried to kill off their language and disprove their Gods. My grandmother and aunts and uncles all follow Christianity but I simply cannot.

Today walking into church my son was so happy to see his cousin, I'll remind you we don't generally see our family unless it's at a family function which always includes prayer, for childcare(both my husband and I work), or something pertaining to church. It's exhausting and unfair. Why can't we just hang out? Everything is centered around God and their personal beliefs. I remember a time when I realized I was told lies about my husband to get us to go to church. Manipulation to conform to a specific belief? No thank you. I love our family but my biggest heartache is the fact that I can't be one of them without believing in their God. So here I am. Confessing in a blog nobody reads. Honestly it's a huge weight off of my shoulders. It's times like this that I miss my best friend Addison the most, I still can't really bring myself to write about her because I just end up crying and going to bed early. I wonder what she would say to me. I wonder what she would think. I really don't know if I will ever see her again, but I hope so.

Like a BUS

Welcome to TriMet

Let's play catch up.

Started my new job with TriMet a couple months ago and so far it has been a whirlwind of crazy but I love driving and the people make things interesting...

Friday night I was inundated with drunk passengers needing directions and telling me their life stories, thankfully the night flew by until I noticed a beautiful girl hop on at 6th and Alder with tears running down her face. Her boyfriend was clearly irritated and held up their tickets then the two quietly sat in the back. I figured they were fighting so I didn't really greet them like I normally do. About five minutes later at Burnside I noticed in my rear view the boyfriend standing up, she grabbed his arm as if to stop him from leaving when he grabbed her shoulders and threw her back against the wall. I immediately got on the intercom and told him he wouldn't be hitting his girlfriend on MY bus that night and that he needed to leave. He EXPLODED into a rage calling me a C&%*, walking towards the front violently pointing and telling me to drive the ****ing bus. An older gentleman I drive around regularly was brave enough to stand up in between myself and this charmer. Called dispatch, explained he wasn't exiting the bus and that he had thrown his girlfriend against a wall in the back. She denied medical and didn't want to file a police report, he got off after insulting 5 other passengers who came to my aid and that was that. As she got off the bus I could hear her on the phone with him apologizing over and over again.

Tonight as I was coming back from a quick layover on the corner of Ainsworth and MLK I heard a voice coming from the driver's side window, as I peeked out I saw a man in his late 50's laying on the ground! I immediately leaned out my window and asked him if he was okay, he looked up at my and told me to $%^& off...then continued rambling on about nothing to live for and how he lost his day ticket. I tried unsuccessfully coaxing him up off of the street with a day pass. The sun was setting and light flooded into the street, the drivers COULDN'T SEE HIM! I notified dispatch and police then went out and directed traffic around him but for a moment I honestly thought I was going to witness this poor man's death.

So far those are the only two crazy crazy incidences that come to mind. It's unfortunate they're so close together, maybe it's the full moon?

There are a handful of favorites I look forward to seeing regularly, sometimes they'll bring me flowers or treats and I beam the rest of my trip and gloat to my husband when I get home. It's true what one dispatcher told me, every day it's something different, there's always room for surprises. Lets hope the rest of the month calms down, not sure how much more excitement I can take LOL.