Diving deep

One last date.

One last vacation.

One more time in your arms, 

a familiar kiss,

tracing the outline of your chest, 

a moment of weakness...

Even still, as I write, tears fall.

Sobriety's a bitch.

No lack of alcohol, just reality sneaking in. 

It's as though my heart will collapse.

Or my eyes may never dry,

this tide will never turn,

my storm will never clear...

Air creeps in a tightened throat, 

I look around our home, 

the life we've built.

Watching it dissolve.

Instinctively I reach towards my heart, gripping the flesh and pulling out,

wanting to expel this pain.

Praying it will stop growing,

my brow aches.

My lips tremble.

More tears, rain.

I miss you.

I wanted you.

I hated you.

I love you.

None of that matters now.

We're done.

Watch it fade.

The light we shared, 

all those years.

I hoped for your awakening,

Pray you'd find your path,

with each mistake a lesson guides,

to one where we could last.

Another path keeps calling you,

one with shadows cast,

upon the light inside of you.

You disappear so fast.

Too many nights spent wasted,

following your steps.

There's always one more rabbit hole,

I wish I could forget...

This life goes on forever,

never ending second tries.

I can't pretend I'm interested,

In hearing heart felt lies.

I never doubt the love you felt,

it pulsates through my veins,

but every time you've poisoned me,

I lost myself to stay.

Each new found truth, discovery,

revealing hidden strength,

the depths to which I find myself,

have reached unbridled lengths.

Mine

Waves of pain push through my chest, 

tears stain, and warm my cheeks.

Holding every breath, 

Clenched jaw.

Breath normal? 

I get dizzy, mouth dry.

Stomach aches.

Lick my lips, sip another drink.

Whatever it takes, fall asleep.

I'll quit the moment you're gone.

The moment you stop talking...

about a future we no longer have...

about how upside down our kids lives are...

The moment I acknowledge my instinct...

that love blinded...

The moment I stop hating you...

for breaking our hearts....

because you never knew yours.

Because I never knew mine...

The moment I realize there is no hate.

Just a lot of hurt.

Spread around.

Right now we're swimming in it.

Understanding betrayal is one thing,

Living in it is another.

I can only hope you'll stop betraying yourself.

For her sake...

For his.

For you...

Don't worry about me.

I'm still here...

Just different.

Not yours...

Mine.

Dandelion spirits

A three foot dandelion rests under her staircase, fashioned from jewelry, trinkets, bits and pieces of wedding dress, glued and painted onto an old piece of plywood. It'll remain there until she finds the right words to describe her dandelion soul.

All the dreams of past, scattered in a single breath...seeds for growth lay in the path ahead.

She pretended not to notice the tattered fabric on their living room floor, instead stuffing it down into the depths of a thirsty mind. 

Waiting for sunlight to ease a buried soul.

Day by day she grew, reaching up towards the sky, blossoming into a vibrant new creature, marveling at the ability to transplant herself from a seed in the wind, to a lovely spring flower. Over time she turned inward, hoping nobody would notice the absence of her yellow petals. Twisted up in isolation night fell upon her, and suddenly an explosion of power crept up her spine, unveiling more seeds for growth, because the life of a dandelion never slows. 

She transforms, over and over again, in a million different ways, across a thousand different lands. Impossible to predict, she goes with the wind. With the breath of a small child.

To a shoreline, towards the sunset, or an urban city street. She'll find beauty wherever she lands, and she'll make a home there. Until the winds of change carry her away, like they've done a hundred times before.

http://youtu.be/Q6jSaVTUzGU

Ghost

Before I write, I rest my hands on the keypad. A heartbeat vibrates through pulse of blood rushing to my fingertips.

To remember how solid I am, real. 

Unbelievable, lately I'm a ghost.

A part of me has died. 

I notice her absence like an orchestra misses a conductor. 

Shock, anger, grief.

A natural response to change, maybe. 

We pass by in the hallway, indifference aches. I watch friends gather, yet don't belong.

Solitude has invaded my life.

Searching for a connection I thought I'd always have. 

Until he let go. 

Stopped walking. 

My path was not his, nor his mine.

I belong to no one.

I've debated taking that out, but the truth is I can't sleep at night, and hiding that truth seems wrong. 

Why pretend everything's alright unless it's to calm a child? Even then children are perceptive. It's only a matter of time.

Can I hate him for lack of growth? 

Can he control rapid expansion?

Attempting to stop it is like trying to cap an atomic bomb. 

So we wander, drive aimlessly, scribble in note books, cry in the shower. 

 

There's not much I haven't tried to fall back to sleep, but I'm awake. 

I'd felt it coming, the change, my metamorphosis. 

When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, it doesn't just wake up one day all shiny and new. 

No. 

It fucking eats itself. 

Imaginary cells begin to form on top of it's dying body wrapped up in isolation. 

The butterfly had to imagine it's new structure.

 Vision, last step before transformation. 

That's what I'm missing. 

Perhaps I'm still grieving...

over words spoken, and never heard. 

The touch I never seem to feel. 

Haunting those I love, 

because leaving is too painful.

Falling

I can't seem to differentiate my love for people, and the sky. 

To me they're both untouchable and surreal.

It's easy to get caught up in the darkness they posses.

Until you gain focus.

More time spent observing a particular section of sky, or person, the brighter they shine.

Little flecks of gold, silver, and cobalt blue. 

The longer you stare at this patch of sky, at this person's soul, your mind will produce more and more wonderful flecks of beauty. 

Beauty that makes a sky timeless, and love limitless.

This is the power of perception. 

Time spent falling in love with the stars.

Dodging bullets

The position of mercury in relation to Pluto in my natal chart explains a lot about my personal battle to communicate/relate to those closest to me. 

 (Portrait by Nadia Marek)

 

Often times my lens (perspective) feels like the only "correct" one, this mindset limits my ability to fully understand people I love.  

That has potential to do some serious damage. 

There are times however, when Jupiter transits points on my chart in such a way that I can access a channel of effortless communication or understanding(through written form) so easy in fact, I sometimes feel as though the message isn't truly mine.  

I stand back and observe the moment inspiration takes over, I can be in the middle of a project, or wake from a dead sleep, then suddenly I'm scribbling on a napkin, tapping away on my iPhone or flooding my blog like a crazy woman.

 

This is a very real trend. It wasn't until I started learning about planetary cycles that the seemingly random streaks of creative genius, became predictable. Perhaps I can harness this energy and create something useful, up until now it's all been notes/drafts. 

A few weeks ago I had a biopsy done on my right breast. For the better part of three days, I revisited details of the ultrasound/mammogram. 

"I don't know what it is, I can't figure you out." 

"Story of my life!" I laughed.

She smiled, and then got serious.

"Well since its been there a while, chances are it's not cancerous, but I don't like that it hurts and it's not like any kind of tissue I'm used to seeing. Better get it checked out."

I wasn't a stranger to this awful feeling, I'd had it checked out a few years prior and I was fine. Since then the lump grew and started hurting. 

One morning my daughter pushed up off my chest to sit up, after fighting back the urge to scream, "STOP!" I couldn't put it off any more. 

I immediately went into research mode, I use two browsers on my phone because flipping through the windows is ridiculously troublesome in split screen mode, and I have bigger fish to fry than sifting through countless articles/discussion forums. This personality trait can be explained by individuals who have Mercury conjunct Saturn in their natal chart. As I began jotting down dates that would be acceptable for surgery(should it come to that I was going to avoid any times I'd be prone to death) I realized I was sealing my fate. 

Quickly, I ripped my paper up and set the phone down. 

I can't do this again, get all dramatic and question the duration of my life, the impact this could have on our family, no, fuck that. 

And still... 

For someone who preaches a lot about positive thinking, I sure wasn't ready to skip off and ignore reality. I know tomorrow's never promised, but hell...I still want it to come. 

I found myself meditating more, kissing my kids, hugging my husband, and wondering how this would go. 

The following day, conversations with my passengers changed. If one complained about trivial shit, I paid less attention. Why waste time encouraging the victim role mentality? I sure as shit wasn't going to assume that role while questioning how long I'd have to raise our kids. 

I felt my heart beat more, every breath I took felt heavier. Meaningful. 

Every time I laughed, I felt the urge to cry. 

 

When will they call?

 

I was walking to my afternoon piece at Milwaukie Transit center, Bethany was on the phone.

"I just wanted you to know we got the results from your recent biopsy, everything's fine, it looks like more dense breast tissue." 

 

"You seriously just made my whole week, oh my God thank you! I'm sorry but I have to call my husband."

I could tell in his voice he felt relieved, and it was everything I could do to stop from skipping. Until I realized I'd just dodged a bullet. 

I skipped the rest of the way to my road relief.