Alone in my thoughts...

I drive in circles all day, with mindless greetings and careful observation of the road in front of me, there is one thing to consider. How will hours of contemplation change my life?

This is the kind of job that forces one to think, the subject matter is completely up to you.

I could space out, shove all those uncomfortable questions deep down into the depths of my soul, and think about dinner, but I've got bigger fish to fry. 

I'm interested in the things that make people tick, our triggers, and how we get from A to B. I wanna know how one transcends to C.

To understand others I need to understand myself, to do that I must look back.

The day after leap year, March 1st 2012. 

The air is sharp on my skin as I rush to the car juggling books and snacks, fresh snow gathers in-between our walkway and front yard. Surprised to see ice stuck to the windshield, I sigh and scrape off the bare minimum. Four minutes to get kiddo to school down the street. Good, we made it in time, kiss goodbye and off he goes. Time to focus, I'd been up all night studying physics and the final was in two hours. God dammit I have to pee, fairly common being 5 months pregnant but that doesn't change my frustration. Rushing back to our apartment, I start shuffling through my note cards. One last final survey of the land to ensure my prego brain hasn't forgotten anything... 

Note cards? Check. Pencils? Check. Calculator? Check.

Shit. I forgot my phone.

It's in between our bed sheets and I should have left the house 12 minutes ago.

Fuck it.

Scrolling through Facebook newsfeed. Nikki Sojden lost a friend this morning who had a small child. How awful. 

COMMENT:

"I'm so sorry for your loss Nikki, please know I'm sending you all my love during this difficult time. Thanks for reminding me tomorrow's never promised and to cherish the ones we love today."

I should call Addie on my way and see if we're still on for Saturday.

NEW MESSAGE FROM NIKKI SOJDEN: 

"Do you know what happened?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Call me right now...XXX-XXX-XXXX"

Wait who was she talking about? 

The only mutual friend of ours is Addie...

I call Addie knowing she's at work. No answer. Fine. I text her.

"HEY CALL ME ASAP PLEASE".

Nothing.

My heart is racing I call Andrew (her husband) pacing in my hallway. 

Nothing. 

Once more, voicemail. 

My breath quickens.

"Dude call me back right away I'm freaking out right now and I need you to tell me that Addie's okay."

Last resort. 

I text my husband (Andrew's best friend) knowing Andrew will answer for him.

"BABE HAVE ANDREW CALL ME I NEED TO KNOW ADDIE'S OKAY."

My phone rings, it's Brent.

"Hey sorry I'm just having a crazy paranoid moment right now, I need you to call Andrew and have him tell us Addie's okay."

Silence.

"Did you hear me? I need you to have Andrew call Addie and let me know she's okay."

He's crying. "I'm sorry babe."

I fall to my knees.

"No! Addie's okay, just have her text me!"

Still crying. He takes a deep breath and follows with more apologies. 

"We wanted to wait until after your final to tell you. Addie's gone. She died last night."

"What do you mean she's GONE? She's at the hospital? She's not dead. She can't be dead."

A knot solidified in the back of my throat and I can no longer speak. My stomach is on fire and I can barely breath.

No...

I sit there on the floor of my apartment sobbing on the phone with my husband. 

"How? What happened?"

"I don't know babe, Andrew found her this morning and he couldn't revive her."

Gavin.

"Where's Gavin? Where's Andrew?"

"I don't know babe, last time I talked to him he was at home with his mom."

"I've gotta go."

In seconds I was hurling myself towards their house, as if this would all be over the second she opened the door.

Pulling up I see Kathy's car. I run up the steps nearly slipping. 

Knock knock. 

This has to be a sick joke, she's going to open that door.

It was Andrew. 

His face was red and his eyes were empty. We locked eyes and I grabbed him and pulled him close. We stood there crying for what seemed a lifetime.

When I finally let him go I looked over and saw Kathy. Another hug. More tears. I look around searching. No Gavin. He's with Ben and Katie.

This is a nightmare. 

Wake up. Please wake up.

The nightmare continued.

I can't stop crying, I can't stop wondering what happened.

I can't focus on anything and people keep telling me to calm down, "Stress is harmful for the baby."

My baby. Addison's God daughter. 

Braelyn. 

Addie called her sweet baby Rae everyday before patting my belly and swooning at the idea of baby girl. 

"Ours to spoil." She'd say.

The sting I felt when I realized she would never lay eyes on this child... 

I retreat to the shower, at least I can cry there and nobody will notice. Family is flying out. Funeral planning ensues.

Saturday arrives before I know it and I find myself alone in my thoughts staring at the sky.